Monday, January 19, 2009

I am a rather placid person in general. Opinions I don't care about, do not affect me at all. They might make me think, and a random, unnecessary, insensitive comment might even take me by surprise - but they fail to make me furious. Or really hurt me. Annoyance might happen. But never fury. Not very often, at least. I think my friends will agree.

Which is why I am rather shocked when I think about how bitter the battles with ma-baba have become nowadays. Do not get me wrong, they are not bad people. And I am NOT the oppressed one here. And I have had fights with them for as long as I can remember. It's just that the amount of impatience and disdain, and blind fury I feel during some of the fights now, would never have happened earlier. Also, the hurt. They are among the very few who have the power to really, really hurt me. The legendary thick skin does a no-show where my family is concerned, I guess.

My mother tells me that the kind of words I exchange with her, were never exchanged between her and my grandmother. If I believe that, am I also to believe that generation gap, in the last few years, has suddenly taken a frightening leap? Have my parents been left behind, or is it the other way around?

I thought teenage years were supposed to be the most turbulent. But when I think back, those fights seem puny compared to the intense, bitter, vitriolic battles I have regularly now. Is it because I am growing up? Is it because THEY are growing old? Is it MY patience which wears thin, or THEIRS'? Why is it, that the older I grow, the more difficult I find it to get my point across? What is it, I wonder, which makes me frequently want to slam doors and smash random things in fury?

, this uncontrollable, blind, frustrating rage is an alien emotion and I really don't quite know how to deal with it. Violent fits have never really been my forte, and I end up looking rather stupid and hating myself for it afterwards. But for those few moments, it is as if I can break down doors and tear down walls.

The Americans might, after all, have some logic behind insisting that their children get out of the house after they are 18. Constant demands for justification are rather claustrophobic after a point of time.

The 20s are not a good age I gather.


Heathcliff said...

i can fully understand what you must be feeling. I know that I am not in your shoes, but trust me, really TRUST ME, I have gone through this. Exactly the same. There were times I slashed my wrist, times I almost threw a chair at my mom, times I have slammed the door behind me and ran out of the house, not knowing where to go, times I wished I were DEAD.

And when I look back now, I dont find those fights stupid or useless. Rather they were pertinent and not without a reason.

Trust me, they are probably the best people in the world, but they do not understand always. Somehow the responsibiliy of bringing us has been so intense that it has partially blinded them.

They often dont see what we see, they often dont think what wethink. And there lies the gap. Inability to change perspectives.

saptarshi said...

I know what you are talking about and this is exactly what I had been wondering about for the past few months. They just don't seem to see that we are responsible beings who know where to draw the line!

And somehow it all seems to me about trying to protect us from all that is bad. All that can hurt us. I say, why do you not give me the freedom to see for myself?

Satraa said...

I second Madhu. Parents never understand. They simply won't understand.

About patience, well, it's our patience that is thin, and that is very natural at an age<25.

Aboit generation gap- our parents failed to catch up, while we kept up with changing world. Maybe our children will grow up even faster, who knows?

eden gardens said...

ahh yes. see i think ur being more mature by venting the anger rather than just stiffling it inside and turning into the black nail polished gothic chick. wait. thats me. :P

word verification: bedie:)

Flittermouse said...

Stay away from home at least once :)

Don't take it otherwise. Whether its a male or a female... we all face it some point or the other. Your feeling can be understood...its not fury or anything high temperamental, but it kills you from inside... "what the heck am i doing here" types...

leave home for a while.... go out and have fun.... but when you come back again, you'll face the same situation (we can't go and convince our parents about our sense and perception of liberty and life as they completely belong to a different era and try to impose such things on us)

better to leave home.... i appreciate the last para :) we're all bound to get saturated in some point or the other in life... the americans and the europeans they understand this perspective of accountability to none other than to the person himself, that's why they tend to move out of home after a certain age :)

move out.... have fun :) be in touch to the extent that is required...nothing more, nothing less :)

March Hare said...

hmmm. every one of us in the same boat? that is surprising!

and abir, if you think i could, i wouldn't?

Hatturi Hanzo said...

ma-baba ja bole mon diye shunte hoy. konorokom jhogRa korte nei. ma-babar sathe jhogRa korle thakur paap dey. awkhhoy norokbaas hoy :)

Flittermouse said...

when there's will...there's a way :)