Thursday, November 24, 2011

Se obujh, kheyali, se bheeshon ekaki, aabeg sob-i taar toh fnaaki.

Every day when I wake up, I pray for that strange emptiness in my heart to go away. But it never does. The bus rides to office through the dusty Noida roads are the worst. I plug in my mp3 player and stare out of the window, trying to resist thinking about it. But the problem with letting my mind wander is, it inevitably settles on the inevitability of it all, and every dusty corner I turn, I wonder why I live this life I do. Counting every penny, living in my head half the time, and choosing to stay in this city while one incredible soul battles with a hundred tubes and beeping monitors in a cheerless hospital hundreds of miles away.

First proofs, second proofs, perfect grammar, companion Web sites, who gives a fuck anyway, when each phone call from home sends you into a panic attack and all you want to do is curl up in a fetal position with a comforting shoulder by your side and you try and you try but you cannot block out everything you want to?

This is a rambling post and it shouldn't have been up for everyone to see. But I needed to get this out and I needed somebody to read it and there was no one I could mail it to. Ei mondar bajare, readily available comforting shoulders for a self-obsessed twenty three year old are hard to come by.

10 comments:

waywardhorizons said...

Take solace in the fact that you're not the only one who goes through this. The only advice I can give to you here is, when you're feeling drained by the futility of life start focusing more on the people you care about. Spend more time with them. That helps me, and I hope it helps you.

SayantaniD said...

HUG

Anonymous said...

i don't know what to say....was googling chuk and gek when i came across ur blog....u SERIOUSLY could be my twin....right from doing hateful math problems on a bait of books to the wish of going to moscow....emonki amader school eo 8e tasher desh hoechilo...sigh....nua...bookmarked ur blog..loved it too...

bodhi said...

tor praay bochhor tineker blog ekshathe pore fellam. was referred here by my (not biological)twin yesterday, who is, i believe, also responsible for the anonymous comment above.

seriously. roosh desher upokotha? mc leod ganj-e dhaba kholar ambition? ke re bhai??

March Hare said...

Thank you, thank you. :)

Ar Bodhi, ummm...ei re! Ke bola ta toh ektu mushkil. Kintu eta ki Presidencyr Bodhi?

bodhi said...

haha. ke re bhai as in obak howar expression, not atmoprokash korte onurodh. ar ami patha bhavan-narendrapur-n.r.s..
presi noy...

March Hare said...

bah bah! amio patha bhavan. tarpor oboshyi jadavpur. :)

bodhi said...

but i knew that. class eight-e tasher desh maane pb, ar jude maane ju. elementary.

Abhishek Mukherjee said...

My current thoughts precisely. Sigh.

Raj Gaurav Debnath said...

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I exactly know the feeling of that Strange Emptiness in One's Heart...

No matter how hard I try, it just does not go away...

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